A professional longarm machine quilter for hire and some of the work I've done.
CAUTION: Ladies don’t let your husband read this post because it might give him ideas.
After my brother retired my Sister-in-law insisted he start taking her shopping at a local department store. She doesn’t drive and he had nothing else to do all day. Unfortunately he found shopping very boring. He likes to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate she’s a typical woman who loves to browse. She left him to entertain himself while she did her shopping.
Last week my SIL received this letter from the manager of the local department store.
The department store letter:
Dear Mrs. _________ (withheld for anonymity)
Over the past several months your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tollerate his behavior any longer and have been forced to ban you both from our store. The complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they were not looking.
2. July 2: He set all the alarm clocks in our housewares department to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: He walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in housewares. Get on it right away.” This caused the clerk to leave her assigned station and received a reprimand from her supervisor. That in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time, and costing the company money.
5. August 4: He went to the service desk and tried to put a single serve bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: He moved a “CAUTION -WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area near the dog and cat pet items.
7. August 15: He set up a tent in the toy department and told children shoppers they could have a store sleep over if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can you people just leave me alone?” EMTs were called.
9. September 4: He looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department he asked where the anti-depressants were.
11. October 3: He darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department he practiced his “Madanna look” by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: He hid in a clothing rack and when customers browsed through them he yelled “PICK ME! PICKED ME!”
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumed a fetal position and screamed ” OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”
And last but not least:
15. November 22: He went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited five minutes, then yelled very loudly “HEY! THERE’S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!”. One of the store clerks passed out.
*** NOTE: OK, I was only joking here to give you a laugh. My brother isn’t really this bad.